Permission

So, now that I have the facts out regarding Lydia's new diagnosis, I thought I would write out some of my thoughts...I love Lydia with all of my heart...I've always known that something has not clicked for her, but she is my precious girl and I held on to the fact that, "children learn at their own pace."  There are so many things that she says and does daily that put a smile on our faces.  She is my "Amelia Bedelia"...very literal and concrete in her understanding.  A while back, I was on the phone and said something about Lily having blood work.  A few days later she asked me if Lily's blood was working.  I assured her Lily was just fine and her blood was indeed working.  Lydia has an absolutely tender heart and freely offers hugs and "Mommy, I love you"'s.  She is very naive and doesn't notice anything is different about her. - Yea!  She is and always has been an absolute delight.  However, Miss Lydia is also very challenging.  She is stubborn and does things her way.  We still struggle every day with potty training.  When we go shopping, Lydia goes running or fights sitting in the cart.  I find myself exhausted at the end of the day.  Since finding out about Lydia's disability, I have finally given myself permission to be exhausted.  I found myself hiding stuff about Lydia because I felt if I was a better mother, those things wouldn't be issues.  I have a Master's degree in education and my five year old can't identify letters and numbers.  Why is teaching my sweet girl so hard?  She's five years old and not fully potty trained.  I am my own worst critic...before having children, I would have thought, "If your child is not potty trained by three, then what kind of parent are you?".  Knowing that Lydia has an intellectual disability, I am beginning to give myself permission to breathe.  We (Lydia and our whole family are in this journey together) have many deficits and I've realized it's okay...we can go back to the basics.  We can work on perfecting our rendition of the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or "Row, row your boat."  I struggle a lot with comparisons.  I've never compared Lydia to other children but it's hard not to do at times.  I find myself resenting parents whose children potty trained at 18 months, have been arranging magnetic alphabet letters on the fridge since they were two and been reading chapter books since age 3 (okay, the last one may be a bit of an exaggeration :-).   Lydia learns at her own pace which is significantly delayed.  I am beginning to navigate through so many journeys...special education in school, talking about the disability and "explaining" my sweet girl (at age 5, these delays seem to warrant an explanation), and sorting through my emotions.  I trust that God will use Lydia for amazing things and I can't wait to see how He will surprise us with her progress as she exceeds her potential.  In the meantime, I am trying to give myself permission to rest in Him and know that He has made Lydia perfect.